[he can’t help a small smile at that, shaking his head]
He wasn’t a raincloud - not exactly. But his father was very... very stern.
[the master and his temper scared Linneus more often that not. He has no reason to be any less scared even though he is no longer a child. His hand hovers over the photo of him holding the other boy’s hand, of himself in rags]
This was the day I... my father brought me to the house. I’d never seen anyone like him before...
[ The hand still and lifted above all the scattered pictures is alone only for a moment as it seems to yearn for the other boy left frozen within the past. Dazai's hand is there, warm and welcoming as it slides beneath Linn's. Palm-to-palm his hand presses the pair together, holding without applying any pressure until he knows it's wanted.
It could be his imagination, but if Linneus was reaching out for someone- Dazai is there. ]
I imagine.
[ His tone stays even, even though there's so much emotion read between the lines of what his companion says and does. He can grasp the divide between Linneus ' apparent poverty and the other boy, decked out in fine clothing and exuding the manner of a gentleman, even as a youth. Though he's working off what Linn has told him, the pictures and these words- his conclusion is but a guess. But still, Dazai's vivid imagination can paint a picture of how it must have been like. ]
The two of you seem very small- [ A thoughtful comment on how young Linn was. ] And you grew up together?
[ The ages between each picture are hard to guess at, but there is a large jump from Linn's apparent arrival to a photo of Linneus hugging his stormy little friend. ]
[a hum of thought, welcoming the hand in his and letting his fingers twine in Dazai's gently. A light chuckle-]
I think Xanthe was average-sized. He was perhaps seven years old in the first picture - I was just barely five.
[and small for his age, to boot. The age gap is not so large, but the difference between the two of them is certainly marked and likely down to a good deal more than just the way Xanthe is dressed. His boots can only give him so much height, after all...
An index finger extends to point, but he doesn't unclasp their hands, moving them together over the pictures, pointing out some of the next ones]
I was set to work in the house, but-- well, a five-year old can only manage so many things. I spent time with Xanthe a lot - he used to read to me, help me with my letters...
Is this the same boy whose window you'd visit, even during a rain storm?
[ There's a teasing undercurrent to his words, but it remains light and affectionate. He remembers everything Linn has told him, including the mention of a boy from Linn's past, brought up some time ago. Dazai had tried to pry a little, his curiosity getting the better of him even back then.
But now he feels eager for information, intent on filling in all the blanks of Linneus' past as they're lain out in the pictures in front of them. ]
He looks completely different all grown up.
[ The photo with a roguish looking man with a side-shaved head comes under his scrutiny, but one look at the face and those blue eyes tells Dazai that he's not Linn's Xanthe anymore than Dazai might be. It's like night and day, comparing the stiff-backed and scowling child in grey to someone whose broad smile suggests his heart is worn on his sleeve.
Dazai knows this. But the question is meant to coax the conversation on, and perhaps compare the two men who seem to have been important enough to make Linn smile and laugh in ways he sees only every so often. ]
[hovering their hands over one of the pictures briefly, the one where Xanthe had dried his hair into standing on end. Caught on that memory, it takes a moment for him to catch up. If anyone could appear less like Xanthe...]
Oh, that's not-- that's Gilder. He was... he was a guest.
[Linneus' more delicate way of explaining that he was a client. Their hands now moving over to the series of images - Linneus never encountered photobooth pictures before, but they're a little like that, a sequence laid out on the paper]
...I'm not sure how to explain Gilder. He had... somewhat a knack of visiting after I'd had a bad day...
[ It's a strange feeling to rise in the pit of his gut over someone that's merely a child in these photos, and present as little more than a memory while their body slumbers.
But Dazai is so familiar with the nauseous coil of jealousy in his stomach, that he almost feels ashamed at it's recognition. Close as they are, and as much as he treasures their time together, the part he plays in Linn's life is completely finite. It exists in the present, with no impact on the past and little promise of residing in the future.
Logic tells him that he can't complain about things that have already happened, or even dictate what occurs in the future. But having had not even that kind of childhood, let alone one spent within the glow of someone so bright as Linneus, Dazai can't help but envy Xanthe from the start.
And if that isn't bad enough, he's left 'face-to-face' with another man whose impact left a lasting enough impression to make Linneus smile in ways he rarely sees here. ]
Where you come from, people must be very progressive.
[ He's trying to be nice, while at the back of Dazai's mind there are less pleasant retorts brewing about this fellow called Gelding Gilder. ]
On my planet that's usually a woman's hairstyle.
[ He's listening to what Linn has to say, which is probably why Dazai isn't letting up on the light jabs. ]
Unfortunately it looks like his barber almost took off too much from the top...
Thankfully it seems his whole nose wasn't cleaved off!
[those first jibes are met with a curious tilt of his head. It's a little stark, yes, but Linneus isn't entirely sure why Gilder's hairstyle is up for assessment. Then the others follow, light as they are, and a hum of thought. Axis used to fire off jabs as well, when he was rattled. Linneus has seen it in his own guests enough, too.]
He was a woodcutter?
[...no he wasn't. There is nothing that appears to contradict Linneus' erroneous belief, though, and it seems to make sense one might get their share of nicks and cuts through that kind of work. The rest... well, there are people who get into bar fights, and it's possible Gilder could have had any number of previous occupations.]
This day he came... it was after these.
[awkwardly reordering pictures with his finger. Yvette's hands clasped around his, then Xanthe's office - those letters he already thought disposed of, that he hadn't seen since their sending, all those years ago. Then Gilder.]
[ The reordering helps fill in the blanks to a story Dazai hasn't otherwise realized rested directly under his nose. Linneus isn't married, and the hand clasping what must certainly be his heavily adorned arm, is that of a woman. Then comes the trashed love letters with Linneus' name penned out bold as day among a smattering of hearts.
Without saying a word of the tale, Linneus tells Dazai a story of his own heartbreak at the hands of someone who threw not only his heartfelt declarations in the trash, but his heart. A marriage to another is enough to drive anyone to rash, irrational actions- including getting attached to someone that they would otherwise not have.
If anyone knows how a broken heart aches until that void is filled, with wine or women or any distraction under the sun, its Dazai. ]
I see.
[ Rearranging himself to draw closer, Dazai leans until his temple rests against Linneus' own. The envy isn't gone but what had been an abrupt smoldering flare of jealousy, now cools into mere embers. There are more important things at hand than Dazai's petty sense of possessiveness. ]
Linneus- [ The fingers laced with Linn's squeeze softly. ] I didn't know you'd been through so much.
[his eyes close a brief moment with that head leaned against his, enjoying that closeness and the squeeze of his hand while he shifts another photograph into order. Glancing up at Dazai with those words, pulling back a brief moment with a laugh like he's lost his breath]
I haven't even...
[he hasn't even explained. It's not as though he hasn't alluded to anything, but he's never explained in so many words. Yet Dazai keeps on meeting him with nothing but understanding, even though it feels like he presents more questions about his past than answers, sometimes.
Carefully, his finger lingering on the one photograph before pushing another up from the row he made - of himself catching Claret in the corridor; of sitting in Xanthe's office. Haltingly-]
These were both-- fights - or after fights. I behaved terribly...
[ It doesn't take much effort to straighten, detangling himself and rearranging their positions so that Dazai is the one facing Linneus in the booth and not merely spooned up against his back. ]
You expect me to believe that you behaved badly?
[ It gives him a better view when Dazai cups Linneus' cheek with one hand. The press of that palm ends up accompanied by the stroke of his thumb in a way that's probably too intimate for a public place or Linn's tastes. ]
[it helps that he is taken by surprise; still processing the change in their positions when Dazai's hand comes to touch his cheek. The booth also lends a little privacy, the hubbub of the bar, and so the stroke of his thumb actually earns another of those quiet moments, closed-eyed and leaning in briefly before shaking his head.]
But I did. I almost struck him...
[lifting a hand, albeit with none of the upset and anger that had been behind it when he had raised it to Xanthe.]
I mean, I was this close.
[he can still be ashamed of that behaviour, even if it is one black mark in what had been a clean record.]
[ The hand suspended within the air, hovering as if ready to land a blow, is slowly guided to Dazai's own cheek. It's a tender thing, coaxing Linneus to touch him in return. Except that Dazai's expression is the farthest thing from pleased. And how could it be? Reliving one of the most painful things Linneus could ever share drains any warmth from the moment prior. ]
You were heartbroken.
[ Those love letters shoved into the garbage by someone lucky enough to have Linn's heart are the proof Dazai needs to know that. He could be wrong about everything else, but not this. ]
And you almost hurt someone else... A man who wounded you more deeply than anyone else ever could.
[ It'd take being betrayed by the one person he loved for someone gentle as Linneus to lash out in anger. And Dazai doesn't begrudge or judge Linneus for anything he'd done in a fit of loss and hurt. ]
Guilty as you feel, there's no crime in not hurting him back.
[a shaky sigh, allowing his hand to be guided and mimicking the gesture in return, his thumb tracing over the other man's cheek]
He'd said some things - this-- this was just before Gilder first came. I ran, and he was at the staircase when I came back; when Gilder was there... I hadn't realised he might have come to apologise for the things he said.
[and realisation, at the history repeated. The first fight they had ever had, at that staircase, and even before that fight - how he'd taken his guest and fled.]
No one ever thinks straight when it comes to love.
[ No matter how many countless times Dazai has held people there in more intimate moments, when it comes to Linneus, he refuses to have a conversation this soul-baring while keeping him at arm's length. So he pulls the other man into the circle of his arms, doing his best to coax Linneus into tucking against him however he sees fit.
It's an imperfect situation within the booth, where a table barricades them into the seat behind. But Dazai makes due, adjusting where he can to permit for the needed closeness. ]
[the pull into a hold is welcome, too - it takes very little encouragement at all, once Dazai's arms come around him. The gap between their seats and the table is narrow, but they can make it work; Linneus more than happy to nestle in.
A soft chuckle with his words]
No, I certainly haven't grown any better at it. If anything for all my experience I'm worse off.
I'm sure I've done worse. All for things that were never once returned.
[ His stupid, childish puppy-love for Oda had all been for nothing, with the man dying in Dazai's arms without so much as knowing how much he meant to him. Or maybe Oda always knew. Maybe that's why he'd always held Dazai at arm's length, with no interest in anything more, no matter how hard he'd pulled out every trick in the book to inch closer to his heart.
Dazai's not sure which hurts worse- never being able to move Oda's heart with an admission of all the feelings he'd held for him. Or being rejected without uttering a word.
All he could do, and has done, is defy the first organization he ever called 'home', abandon everyone that needed him there, and label himself a wanted man with a target on his back. But it still felt barely enough. He would have rearranged the very stars for Odasaku's sake. Or changed the very flow of time, going back to rewrite history without a second thought, if only he could do everything differently. He still would, even now. No matter if it'd cost him everything, including his life, Dazai would do it a hundred thousand times over.
What could be worse than that? ]
Hmm. [ He gives a thoughtful sound, eyes shut as they lean into one another. ] How about we swear love off together~?
[ He's teasing, or so says the amusement in his tone. But any investigation into the truth of that statement will have to come later. For now he only cares about losing himself within the affection Linneus gives freely, bridging their platonic hold into something a touch more as hands roam.
It's idly done, letting fingers and both palms do whatever they wish without too much thought, because Dazai doesn't want to think about this subject any more. And they do exactly that, sliding down Linn's back, past shoulder blades and all the delicate points of his spine.
Their drinks are on their way, but he's not in the same mood as earlier. And their touching is beginning to seem out of place for any sort of establishment that doesn't afford more privacy. ]
[a little sound at that - no, Linneus still considers all he has done to be pretty bad. Because how many hearts has he broken - how many marriages; how many betrayals performed daily just for the sake of staying in the Teahouse? Of staying near someone who never could love him? Heavens, what had been the point of any of it at all...?
It is not a competition; he won't sit and list out his many failings. But the ache of a love returned - the realisation of his foolishness for doing so, but holding it anyway - this ache he knows well]
I know how that is.
[in the shelter of Dazai's arms there at least seems no harm in admitting that, though he chuckles softly with the suggestion]
Ah, it might be wise to, perhaps.
[part of him is not even sure he deserves to be loved, after all he has done. Though perhaps by virtue of that unreturned love, the torch he has tremblingly held through all weathers, he is already sworn off love entirely.
A hum at the hand against his back, the touches idle but welcome as they tug him from his thoughts.]
Not so thirsty after all...?
[softly questioning]
If you would like to leave, of course, we can? To where...?
[ Dazai is many things, but among that very long list 'deserving' is decidedly absent. He's committed far more wrongs than merely getting in the way of marriage vows. Things that there are laws against, crimes which come with heavy sentences and heavier doors that ought to be locked behind him.
If anyone here deserves love, it should be Linneus and not himself.
But if they both are to be saddled with these burdens without any immediate reprieve in sight, then despite how much he wishes that it wasn't so, the company makes it more bearable. And he'll soak it up greedily, with hands and holds that refuse to let Linneus go even after he's realized this isn't the place for cuddling. ]
Really? [ He murmurs the words into a shoulder, a chuckle dying soon as it stirs to life. ] And here I half expected you to argue in favor of being in love.
[ Drawing back to sit upright takes the mustering of more courage than it should. He's getting too soft around Linn, preferring just to curl up and wallow in the warmth he provides, like the engulfing comfort of a soft blanket. But why shouldn't he want it, now that this comes so easily? This kind of unconditional caring for others was beaten out of people in the Mafia and not sought out in the neutral companionship found at the ADA. But here and now, he can indulge until he almost takes it for granted. ]
Don't ask if I'm thirsty, Linneus. Or I'll be forced to answer truthfully.
[ He wants to go 'home', burrow under the sheets with Linn and just be. But admitting that is a feat when it's a foreign thing to ask for. So he'll dodge the question just a tad with a roll of his shoulders. ]
One quick drink and then back to my place, if that works for you.
[but does he dare consider it something that might be for him? Not so much. And he would so prefer to have a painless love, a happy love - but there is too much in his past for that, he is sure. Too much that gets in the way...]
I'm not sure I understand what you mean, when you say 'thirsty' like that.
[there's something he's missing, for sure, something his new vocabulary has yet to include. But he nods with the compromise, one hand smoothing over Dazai's straightened back]
[ All right, now he just has to laugh lightly at the ridiculousness of it all. The evening has clearly turned into something of an emotional roller coaster, derailing from their original objective into solemn discussions of love to this amusing bit of miscommunication. ]
It's just a dirty joke.
[ Actually. Since the night has already devolved into something of a dreary mood, he throws in a bit of silliness. ]
But for the record, if anyone else says that to you... They're the worst kind of person, and deserve a good slap.
[ Right on schedule the waitress makes her way over, drinks in hand for the pair of them. Dazai's whiskey is taken with a thanks before she passes Linneus the spiced wine and places the sugary confection of their chosen dessert drink between them. Dazai nods his thanks before their server is off again, busy with getting orders at another table. Which suits him just fine, as she's laid out spoons and straws for both of them, to choose from. ]
[ Linneus isn't exactly sure he understands, or where the punchline of the joke comes exactly, but he can take Dazai's word for it well enough for the time being.
Gathering up his pictures carefully when he sees the waitress approaching - he wouldn't want anything spilled on them - and gently amused.]
I shall have to ask you to explain this 'joke' later...
Then remind me to use the Jedi Mind Trick on you later.
[ Another attempt at turning the mood into something lighter, he tries his hand at teasing Linneus once again. Only by now Dazai is well aware he's likely just ended up with two things to explain instead of one.
Ah well, that's fine. In a way this helps them get to know one another better. If taunts in the past have been a way to keep his guard up, then explaining them is somewhat of a roundabout manner of explaining himself too. ]
And by that I mean erasing your memory. [ Sort of. Star Wars is hard to explain! ] Not that I can do it, but- wouldn't that be a nice power?
[ Anyhow, back to the important stuff. How does he even begin to describe what that whole 'thirsty' business is about? Well...
On second thought, no. He's just going to avoid answering the question forever now, because there's no way he can explain that it means someone's looking for a roll between the sheets, after using that line on Linn. Dazai would rather invest all of his attention on the whiskey in his hand. Because that's not sketchy at all. ]
You sure it's okay if we leave the bar early? [ Dazai murmurs, taking another long hit of his drink. ] I feel like crawling into bed for a few days, but...
I'd rather not drag you away if you'll be disappointed.
[his brow knits in brief confusion over this "Jedi Mind Trick". But it is not real, then...?]
Erasing memories? I suppose that depends...
[after all, one is generally stuck with what memories they have, for better or worse. But then memories can be all that remain, once everything else is faded and gone, and even if they hurt Linneus is not sure he would want his lost. Much of who he is now has been forged by such pains; by his past. Without his past, who would he be?
A light shake of his head, his hands wrapping around his own cup]
Mmm. It's perfectly all right.
[he's not exactly looking for an exit, but Linneus has never really favoured bars, either.]
Just enough to warm us up, like we said. Though this...
[one hand reaches for the dessert-drink, turning it carefully on its coaster. Definitely cold - and are those brownie and chocolate pieces pressed into the rim with ganache...? It seems he was not at all mistaken in his initial assessment - if anything the necessity for straws and spoons seems rather to back him up]
...I can't imagine this was meant for warming anyone exactly...
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[he can’t help a small smile at that, shaking his head]
He wasn’t a raincloud - not exactly. But his father was very... very stern.
[the master and his temper scared Linneus more often that not. He has no reason to be any less scared even though he is no longer a child. His hand hovers over the photo of him holding the other boy’s hand, of himself in rags]
This was the day I... my father brought me to the house. I’d never seen anyone like him before...
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It could be his imagination, but if Linneus was reaching out for someone- Dazai is there. ]
I imagine.
[ His tone stays even, even though there's so much emotion read between the lines of what his companion says and does. He can grasp the divide between Linneus ' apparent poverty and the other boy, decked out in fine clothing and exuding the manner of a gentleman, even as a youth. Though he's working off what Linn has told him, the pictures and these words- his conclusion is but a guess. But still, Dazai's vivid imagination can paint a picture of how it must have been like. ]
The two of you seem very small- [ A thoughtful comment on how young Linn was. ] And you grew up together?
[ The ages between each picture are hard to guess at, but there is a large jump from Linn's apparent arrival to a photo of Linneus hugging his stormy little friend. ]
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[a hum of thought, welcoming the hand in his and letting his fingers twine in Dazai's gently. A light chuckle-]
I think Xanthe was average-sized. He was perhaps seven years old in the first picture - I was just barely five.
[and small for his age, to boot. The age gap is not so large, but the difference between the two of them is certainly marked and likely down to a good deal more than just the way Xanthe is dressed. His boots can only give him so much height, after all...
An index finger extends to point, but he doesn't unclasp their hands, moving them together over the pictures, pointing out some of the next ones]
I was set to work in the house, but-- well, a five-year old can only manage so many things. I spent time with Xanthe a lot - he used to read to me, help me with my letters...
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[ There's a teasing undercurrent to his words, but it remains light and affectionate. He remembers everything Linn has told him, including the mention of a boy from Linn's past, brought up some time ago. Dazai had tried to pry a little, his curiosity getting the better of him even back then.
But now he feels eager for information, intent on filling in all the blanks of Linneus' past as they're lain out in the pictures in front of them. ]
He looks completely different all grown up.
[ The photo with a roguish looking man with a side-shaved head comes under his scrutiny, but one look at the face and those blue eyes tells Dazai that he's not Linn's Xanthe anymore than Dazai might be. It's like night and day, comparing the stiff-backed and scowling child in grey to someone whose broad smile suggests his heart is worn on his sleeve.
Dazai knows this. But the question is meant to coax the conversation on, and perhaps compare the two men who seem to have been important enough to make Linn smile and laugh in ways he sees only every so often. ]
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[hovering their hands over one of the pictures briefly, the one where Xanthe had dried his hair into standing on end. Caught on that memory, it takes a moment for him to catch up. If anyone could appear less like Xanthe...]
Oh, that's not-- that's Gilder. He was... he was a guest.
[Linneus' more delicate way of explaining that he was a client. Their hands now moving over to the series of images - Linneus never encountered photobooth pictures before, but they're a little like that, a sequence laid out on the paper]
...I'm not sure how to explain Gilder. He had... somewhat a knack of visiting after I'd had a bad day...
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But Dazai is so familiar with the nauseous coil of jealousy in his stomach, that he almost feels ashamed at it's recognition. Close as they are, and as much as he treasures their time together, the part he plays in Linn's life is completely finite. It exists in the present, with no impact on the past and little promise of residing in the future.
Logic tells him that he can't complain about things that have already happened, or even dictate what occurs in the future. But having had not even that kind of childhood, let alone one spent within the glow of someone so bright as Linneus, Dazai can't help but envy Xanthe from the start.
And if that isn't bad enough, he's left 'face-to-face' with another man whose impact left a lasting enough impression to make Linneus smile in ways he rarely sees here. ]
Where you come from, people must be very progressive.
[ He's trying to be nice, while at the back of Dazai's mind there are less pleasant retorts brewing about this fellow called
GeldingGilder. ]On my planet that's usually a woman's hairstyle.
[ He's listening to what Linn has to say, which is probably why Dazai isn't letting up on the light jabs. ]
Unfortunately it looks like his barber almost took off too much from the top...
Thankfully it seems his whole nose wasn't cleaved off!
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[those first jibes are met with a curious tilt of his head. It's a little stark, yes, but Linneus isn't entirely sure why Gilder's hairstyle is up for assessment. Then the others follow, light as they are, and a hum of thought. Axis used to fire off jabs as well, when he was rattled. Linneus has seen it in his own guests enough, too.]
He was a woodcutter?
[
...no he wasn't.There is nothing that appears to contradict Linneus' erroneous belief, though, and it seems to make sense one might get their share of nicks and cuts through that kind of work. The rest... well, there are people who get into bar fights, and it's possible Gilder could have had any number of previous occupations.]This day he came... it was after these.
[awkwardly reordering pictures with his finger. Yvette's hands clasped around his, then Xanthe's office - those letters he already thought disposed of, that he hadn't seen since their sending, all those years ago. Then Gilder.]
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Without saying a word of the tale, Linneus tells Dazai a story of his own heartbreak at the hands of someone who threw not only his heartfelt declarations in the trash, but his heart. A marriage to another is enough to drive anyone to rash, irrational actions- including getting attached to someone that they would otherwise not have.
If anyone knows how a broken heart aches until that void is filled, with wine or women or any distraction under the sun, its Dazai. ]
I see.
[ Rearranging himself to draw closer, Dazai leans until his temple rests against Linneus' own. The envy isn't gone but what had been an abrupt smoldering flare of jealousy, now cools into mere embers. There are more important things at hand than Dazai's petty sense of possessiveness. ]
Linneus- [ The fingers laced with Linn's squeeze softly. ] I didn't know you'd been through so much.
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I haven't even...
[he hasn't even explained. It's not as though he hasn't alluded to anything, but he's never explained in so many words. Yet Dazai keeps on meeting him with nothing but understanding, even though it feels like he presents more questions about his past than answers, sometimes.
Carefully, his finger lingering on the one photograph before pushing another up from the row he made - of himself catching Claret in the corridor; of sitting in Xanthe's office. Haltingly-]
These were both-- fights - or after fights. I behaved terribly...
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[ It doesn't take much effort to straighten, detangling himself and rearranging their positions so that Dazai is the one facing Linneus in the booth and not merely spooned up against his back. ]
You expect me to believe that you behaved badly?
[ It gives him a better view when Dazai cups Linneus' cheek with one hand. The press of that palm ends up accompanied by the stroke of his thumb in a way that's probably too intimate for a public place or Linn's tastes. ]
You're so good that you put me to shame.
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But I did. I almost struck him...
[lifting a hand, albeit with none of the upset and anger that had been behind it when he had raised it to Xanthe.]
I mean, I was this close.
[he can still be ashamed of that behaviour, even if it is one black mark in what had been a clean record.]
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You were heartbroken.
[ Those love letters shoved into the garbage by someone lucky enough to have Linn's heart are the proof Dazai needs to know that. He could be wrong about everything else, but not this. ]
And you almost hurt someone else... A man who wounded you more deeply than anyone else ever could.
[ It'd take being betrayed by the one person he loved for someone gentle as Linneus to lash out in anger. And Dazai doesn't begrudge or judge Linneus for anything he'd done in a fit of loss and hurt. ]
Guilty as you feel, there's no crime in not hurting him back.
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[a shaky sigh, allowing his hand to be guided and mimicking the gesture in return, his thumb tracing over the other man's cheek]
He'd said some things - this-- this was just before Gilder first came. I ran, and he was at the staircase when I came back; when Gilder was there... I hadn't realised he might have come to apologise for the things he said.
[and realisation, at the history repeated. The first fight they had ever had, at that staircase, and even before that fight - how he'd taken his guest and fled.]
I hurt him, too.
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[ No matter how many countless times Dazai has held people there in more intimate moments, when it comes to Linneus, he refuses to have a conversation this soul-baring while keeping him at arm's length. So he pulls the other man into the circle of his arms, doing his best to coax Linneus into tucking against him however he sees fit.
It's an imperfect situation within the booth, where a table barricades them into the seat behind. But Dazai makes due, adjusting where he can to permit for the needed closeness. ]
We're all foolishly bad at it.
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[the pull into a hold is welcome, too - it takes very little encouragement at all, once Dazai's arms come around him. The gap between their seats and the table is narrow, but they can make it work; Linneus more than happy to nestle in.
A soft chuckle with his words]
No, I certainly haven't grown any better at it. If anything for all my experience I'm worse off.
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[ His stupid, childish puppy-love for Oda had all been for nothing, with the man dying in Dazai's arms without so much as knowing how much he meant to him. Or maybe Oda always knew. Maybe that's why he'd always held Dazai at arm's length, with no interest in anything more, no matter how hard he'd pulled out every trick in the book to inch closer to his heart.
Dazai's not sure which hurts worse- never being able to move Oda's heart with an admission of all the feelings he'd held for him. Or being rejected without uttering a word.
All he could do, and has done, is defy the first organization he ever called 'home', abandon everyone that needed him there, and label himself a wanted man with a target on his back. But it still felt barely enough. He would have rearranged the very stars for Odasaku's sake. Or changed the very flow of time, going back to rewrite history without a second thought, if only he could do everything differently. He still would, even now. No matter if it'd cost him everything, including his life, Dazai would do it a hundred thousand times over.
What could be worse than that? ]
Hmm. [ He gives a thoughtful sound, eyes shut as they lean into one another. ] How about we swear love off together~?
[ He's teasing, or so says the amusement in his tone. But any investigation into the truth of that statement will have to come later. For now he only cares about losing himself within the affection Linneus gives freely, bridging their platonic hold into something a touch more as hands roam.
It's idly done, letting fingers and both palms do whatever they wish without too much thought, because Dazai doesn't want to think about this subject any more. And they do exactly that, sliding down Linn's back, past shoulder blades and all the delicate points of his spine.
Their drinks are on their way, but he's not in the same mood as earlier. And their touching is beginning to seem out of place for any sort of establishment that doesn't afford more privacy. ]
Or maybe just get out of here.
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It is not a competition; he won't sit and list out his many failings. But the ache of a love returned - the realisation of his foolishness for doing so, but holding it anyway - this ache he knows well]
I know how that is.
[in the shelter of Dazai's arms there at least seems no harm in admitting that, though he chuckles softly with the suggestion]
Ah, it might be wise to, perhaps.
[part of him is not even sure he deserves to be loved, after all he has done. Though perhaps by virtue of that unreturned love, the torch he has tremblingly held through all weathers, he is already sworn off love entirely.
A hum at the hand against his back, the touches idle but welcome as they tug him from his thoughts.]
Not so thirsty after all...?
[softly questioning]
If you would like to leave, of course, we can? To where...?
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[ Dazai is many things, but among that very long list 'deserving' is decidedly absent. He's committed far more wrongs than merely getting in the way of marriage vows. Things that there are laws against, crimes which come with heavy sentences and heavier doors that ought to be locked behind him.
If anyone here deserves love, it should be Linneus and not himself.
But if they both are to be saddled with these burdens without any immediate reprieve in sight, then despite how much he wishes that it wasn't so, the company makes it more bearable. And he'll soak it up greedily, with hands and holds that refuse to let Linneus go even after he's realized this isn't the place for cuddling. ]
Really? [ He murmurs the words into a shoulder, a chuckle dying soon as it stirs to life. ] And here I half expected you to argue in favor of being in love.
[ Drawing back to sit upright takes the mustering of more courage than it should. He's getting too soft around Linn, preferring just to curl up and wallow in the warmth he provides, like the engulfing comfort of a soft blanket. But why shouldn't he want it, now that this comes so easily? This kind of unconditional caring for others was beaten out of people in the Mafia and not sought out in the neutral companionship found at the ADA. But here and now, he can indulge until he almost takes it for granted. ]
Don't ask if I'm thirsty, Linneus. Or I'll be forced to answer truthfully.
[ He wants to go 'home', burrow under the sheets with Linn and just be. But admitting that is a feat when it's a foreign thing to ask for. So he'll dodge the question just a tad with a roll of his shoulders. ]
One quick drink and then back to my place, if that works for you.
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[but does he dare consider it something that might be for him? Not so much. And he would so prefer to have a painless love, a happy love - but there is too much in his past for that, he is sure. Too much that gets in the way...]
I'm not sure I understand what you mean, when you say 'thirsty' like that.
[there's something he's missing, for sure, something his new vocabulary has yet to include. But he nods with the compromise, one hand smoothing over Dazai's straightened back]
That works; that's fair.
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It's just a dirty joke.
[ Actually. Since the night has already devolved into something of a dreary mood, he throws in a bit of silliness. ]
But for the record, if anyone else says that to you... They're the worst kind of person, and deserve a good slap.
[ Right on schedule the waitress makes her way over, drinks in hand for the pair of them. Dazai's whiskey is taken with a thanks before she passes Linneus the spiced wine and places the sugary confection of their chosen dessert drink between them. Dazai nods his thanks before their server is off again, busy with getting orders at another table. Which suits him just fine, as she's laid out spoons and straws for both of them, to choose from. ]
I can say it because you already know that I am.
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[ Linneus isn't exactly sure he understands, or where the punchline of the joke comes exactly, but he can take Dazai's word for it well enough for the time being.
Gathering up his pictures carefully when he sees the waitress approaching - he wouldn't want anything spilled on them - and gently amused.]
I shall have to ask you to explain this 'joke' later...
Vague 4th wall nonsense?
[ Another attempt at turning the mood into something lighter, he tries his hand at teasing Linneus once again. Only by now Dazai is well aware he's likely just ended up with two things to explain instead of one.
Ah well, that's fine. In a way this helps them get to know one another better. If taunts in the past have been a way to keep his guard up, then explaining them is somewhat of a roundabout manner of explaining himself too. ]
And by that I mean erasing your memory. [ Sort of. Star Wars is hard to explain! ] Not that I can do it, but- wouldn't that be a nice power?
[ Anyhow, back to the important stuff. How does he even begin to describe what that whole 'thirsty' business is about? Well...
On second thought, no. He's just going to avoid answering the question forever now, because there's no way he can explain that it means someone's looking for a roll between the sheets, after using that line on Linn. Dazai would rather invest all of his attention on the whiskey in his hand. Because that's not sketchy at all. ]
You sure it's okay if we leave the bar early? [ Dazai murmurs, taking another long hit of his drink. ] I feel like crawling into bed for a few days, but...
I'd rather not drag you away if you'll be disappointed.
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Erasing memories? I suppose that depends...
[after all, one is generally stuck with what memories they have, for better or worse. But then memories can be all that remain, once everything else is faded and gone, and even if they hurt Linneus is not sure he would want his lost. Much of who he is now has been forged by such pains; by his past. Without his past, who would he be?
A light shake of his head, his hands wrapping around his own cup]
Mmm. It's perfectly all right.
[he's not exactly looking for an exit, but Linneus has never really favoured bars, either.]
Just enough to warm us up, like we said. Though this...
[one hand reaches for the dessert-drink, turning it carefully on its coaster. Definitely cold - and are those brownie and chocolate pieces pressed into the rim with ganache...? It seems he was not at all mistaken in his initial assessment - if anything the necessity for straws and spoons seems rather to back him up]
...I can't imagine this was meant for warming anyone exactly...
[filling, maybe.]